I'm fat. Not curvy. Not plump. Not chubby. Fat.
I've always been curvy. I gained about 50lbs with Jack and had lost almost all of it when I got pregnant with Ryan. Seeing how hard it was to lose the weight the first time you'd think I would watch what I ate. Nope. I ate like shit. Wendy's for breakfast. McDonalds for dinner. I ate horribly and at 37 weeks I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes. I started to eat right and the weight melted off. Seriously like 4 lbs in a week. Ryan came and I did pretty good with my eating. I snacked alot to keep up my milk supply(It never came in, but that's a post for another day) I drank lots of water, I stayed away from crappy foods because I knew it would effect my milk. Once my maternity leave ended, I took Jack out of preschool and became a full time SAHM. And became depressed. I have never been diagnosed with depression but that's the only thing I can think of to call it. I was so sad. I didn't want to get out of bed. I didn't want to shower, or get dressed. A messy frizzy bun and yoga pants became my comfort. Chips and dip became my best friend. I would cry when the boys weren't around. I felt like such a failure. I wanted to be a good role model for them, I wanted to take them to the park or beach. Teach them how to ride a bike or throw a ball and instead I turned into a fat slob who laid in bed all day watching CSI eating candy under the covers.
I felt so alone during my pregnancy and now that I was home all the time it only got worse. I had lost alot of friends and not being in the working world interacting with people really took it's toll on me. I defiantly withdrew as well. I was so ashamed of my appearance I didn't want people to see me. I was scared I would run into friends from high school and get whispered about.
Things got better last summer, I started working for an organic produce delivery company. It felt good to get out of the house and be productive. I worked graveyard and it became to hard to keep up with the boys during the day when I was working 8+ hours at night. Sadly I quit. I miss working there, everyone was so nice, it was a great company. :(
Jack started school in September and I made friends with the other moms. One in particular, Angela, her boys are the same age as mine. She's such an inspiration. She's such an earth mama. She really believes in what she feeds her boys. No gluten, no food dyes. We ate at her house for dinner one night and she made spanish rice. She makes her own tomato paste! I was so impressed. She has a beautiful garden in her backyard. Tons of fruit trees, even grapes!
During my sad time I stopped cooking. I love to cook. I love to plan a meal and prep for it and cook it up. I like to pretend I'm Julia Child or Ina Garten when I cook. I'm slowly getting back into cooking. Since our move we've pledged no more fast food. Were only going to eat out when it's a special occasion, a birthday or date night. I never realized how much I depend on McDonalds, I feel like a crack addict. I know fast food is killing me yet I crave it.
Since our move we've eaten out more than I care to admit. It's hard because I get bored and want to take the kids out which leads to eating lunch out or getting a snack at Sonic in the afternoon. Damn you half priced diet coke with cherry!
I feel like I'll do really good for a few days and then the weekend will come or I'll have a bad day and before I know it, it's 1am and I've eaten and entire container of cream cheese with a whole bag of hot cheetos.
I am no nutritionist. I'm not an expert at anything health/weight loss related. I'm just taking it one step at a time. I'm looking for a gym at the moment and am looking forward to getting active again. I've started walking at night after dinner. I'll walk for about an hour almost 3 miles. I've also started drinking more water. The only downside to that is that I'm peeing every 5 minutes.
It's funny how you don't really see yourself. I never ever thought I looked this bad. I've untagged myself from so many pictures on FB and asked people not to post pictures. I'm so sad and angry with myself that I've let myself get this big. It's time for a change.